Warning: The following post is very personal and might be uncomfortable to read if you do not know me well.
I've been wanting to write about Robin Williams because it's my birthday today.
This is significant because it might not have been my birthday today.
Depression is silent and deep and cold, and it's easy to be in the bottom of the trench, unable to breath from the weight of the pressure above you and think "Why not just end it now?"
Why not?
It's easy for someone who has never been in those pits to say "Oh, just snap out of it!" or "Come on, stop being so dramatic. It's not -that- bad." or the worst one I've heard directed towards me, "You're just making it up for attention."
I wish. Because then instead of thinking about ending it now, I'd be eating some chocolate and laughing how I made all those people sorry for me. (I'm not thinking about ending it NOW, but I was thinking about ending it THEN.)
People don't understand when they look at you and can't see anything visibly wrong. They don't understand what it's like to read things or see things that remind you of the worst things that ever happened to you, and then the worst thing happens to you again because your brain just KEEPS GOING. It doesn't stop and go "Whew, glad that's not how it is NOW." No, your brain goes, "You want to remember that. OKAY HERE WE GO!" and like a roller coaster, you can't stop or get off until it's over.
It's hard because even now, there are tears in my eyes because of things I've gone through that I'm still not ready to face, that I'm still not -remembering- because... well, because.
Depression is real. So very, very real. And it can be deadly. Whether by suicide, or by accidentally overdosing on medications used to try to escape the pain, depression can kill.
And it almost killed me.
Which is why I am writing this on my birthday.
Because it might not have been my birthday.
Some people who have never been depressed are looking at Robin Williams from the outside and seeing his humor, his kindness, his brilliance. And now they are wondering how someone so full of laughter and life could end his own.
Some people who have been depressed are looking at Robin Williams and wondering if someone so full of laughter and life couldn't make it... how can I?
To those people I say you can. You can. You can. Taking the first step is the hardest. It's so very, very hard.
And it can feel shameful. And embarrassing.
But it's not really either of those things.
Taking the first step to get help is the bravest, most courageous thing anyone can do. And if you know someone who needs help taking that first step, be there for them and help them take it. Be kind. Don't be dismissive. Remember that depression is real, and can be deadly.
The person on the other end of the veterans crisis line got to hear me blubber for five or ten minutes before I could even get the words out.
"I'm having a hard time, and I need help."
Am I still having a hard time? Sometimes. It's only been a few months and changes don't happen overnight.
But I am doing so much better.
And that is why I am writing this, because today is my birthday.
Happy Birthday to me.
