On Love

The past couple days have resulted in some very interesting conversations between my husband and I, ones that have bolstered my confidence in some aspects of my personality that I'd been holding back for his sake. I am so grateful to have someone like him I can talk to openly and without fear of retribution, even if the subject would be an uncomfortable one for the average couple (possibly even ending in proclamations of divorce!). He is truly my soul mate on every level, and I am blessed to have him.

This journal is spawned by a comment on this deviantartsecret.deviantart.co… . I began to reply to KnockMeOut in the comment box, but then I realized that I didn't really want these words to get left behind, as long comments tend to be.

I should preface this that it is my own experiences with loving others and how my life changed when I began to love myself, that I have come to these conclusions. I also apologize for writing what seems like a book! It is not my intention to lecture or anything else

The word "love" has such a broad spectrum of definitions that this is almost a question with a yes/no answer.

There are kinds of love you can give to others when you don't love yourself, the kind that are "light" love - crushes, love for family or pets, adolescent dating, that kind of thing. Most often, they are like a launched firework that burns higher and higher, then explodes - but there's not always something left behind. You wake up one morning and realize that the best friend you thought you'd love and hang out with forever now annoys the heck out of you and you wish they'd just go away and leave you alone!

However, when it comes to "heavy" love, you have to love yourself first because loving yourself is key to accepting that you are WORTHY to feel and receive this kind of love. Loving yourself also is key to recognizing what kind of love you want from others, and being happy with your life even if you are -alone-. This is the love that allows me to say that if my demise meant the survival of my husband, I would do it without question or hesitation, as he would for me.

However, I did not love my first husband this way, because I didn't love myself when we got married. I couldn't understand why he would want to be with me, when I didn't even want to be around myself. It took me years to sort things out, including going through periods of crushing loneliness and deep depression because I didn't love myself.

Once I began accepting who I was, flaws and strengths together, and loving myself, I was happy to be 'alone'. I didn't even want to date anyone seriously at the time, because I was perfectly capable of making myself happy without someone else being there. I was 27 when I finally managed this, and 28 when I met my second husband.

Loving yourself is like a foundation of long-burning logs in a bonfire. They burn forever- even if someone throws a bucket of water on them, the fire will recover. Someone can even throw a firework in there and it will explode and be gone, but the fire will continue to burn. And, in my case, when you meet someone who also has a nice, steady bonfire going, the result is a fire that is impossible to put out despite many hardships and obstacles.

This is the kind of love that people laugh at and claim don't exists, or say that they will never have, and in almost all cases, I'd be willing to bet that the person who says these things would also say "I'm so lonely," or "I have all these friends but I feel so alone."

Now, these words are not meant to be all-encompassing. I know that everyone is different, and perspectives change throughout life and what is true for one person is not necessarily true in others. I truly wish I could share my entire life with others so that they could see that it is possible to be at the lowest depths and survive to climb the highest peak. If even one person gets a feeling of hope from this, then I am happy.

I should also add that I do not include a parent's love for their children in the "love for family" statement. Parents' love is a force unto itself, and is such a fierce creature that it is in its own category. I know not everyone will believe me on this, but when you have children of your own, you'll understand.